Heartbreak

The last time I experienced true heartbreak was 21 years ago, when my brother John died.  After that I closed off a bit of my heart so I would never have to feel that kind of pain again.  

I've been married and divorced, been in another long term relationship that ended but I didn't feel that heartbreak because really my heart was never fully open in these relationships.  

Now I am experiencing that heartbreak.  The feeling that my heart is literally breaking inside my chest.  Those tears that come at times when I'm not ready for them.  Those sobbing tears that make me wonder how many more tears can possibly be shed.  I had forgotten these feelings.  I had forgotten what it was like and now I remember why I shut down all those years ago because it hurts...a lot!

The thing that is different all these years later is that I am not willing to go back to that girl who shut down her feelings.  I know that this pain will pass and my heart will heal again...and maybe it will get broken again.  But if I don't experience the pain, how can I possibly feel the joy?  So I choose to feel the pain because eventually I will feel the joy...and once again the pain will be forgotten.